False Hope

Recently, my jerks had gotten better. I had started to believe that I would start to live a life free of them again. I thought I had found the answer. And I thought I was going to be one of the lucky ones who was going to be able to do it drug free and just go back to the way my life used to be. How quickly we fall...

It's been only a short time that they have improved, and I should have known better than to go all the way to the extreme thinking that they would go away forever! I mean, they have not gone away completely except for one or two nights in the past two week. Maybe one or two nights, but I was taking Klonopin, so in no way was that drug-free. I was able to go a few nights with out the Klonopin, so I guess that gave me false hope.

The past three nights without Klonopin, it seems to be coming back more and more each night. Last night, I started getting that weird swirling sensation in my head as I am drifting off that usually signals the body twitches are about to happen. And they did. It was almost 4:00 am, and I was exhausted, but here my body did not want to fall asleep. Had it been earlier in the night, I might have tried to suffer through without any medication, but I knew I needed sleep, so I took the Klonopin. And eventually I did get to sleep.

I don't know why many times I'm so insistent on not taking it and therefore suffering more. I suppose I have to get over the fact that I can do this without the medication. I have seen many comments that Klonopin works for them for the most part, over any other medication they have tried. I know it was working for The Man Who Cannot Sleep last we heard from him. As much as I would like to not rely on a potentially addictive drug, I have to get back to acceptance.

I must accept that this may never go away. I have to accept that the only way to treat it and have some sort of semblance of normalcy is to take this medication. Maybe someday it will be different, but I have to accept what is true in the now. I need to let go of this false hope.